I would like to share my story with you. I am a codependent love addict and this is my story of recovery. I have a fear of abandonment and very low self esteem. I’m young, make a very good income, look good and yet I can’t find the self esteem to accept myself as a worthy individual. There are times when I’m confident and in control. There are times, like now, when I feel worthless and unwanted.
Codependency is my emotional disorder. Until my marriage fell apart and I was forced to address the intense emotions of abandonment I had no idea that it even existed. I experienced my first intense panic attack a year ago when I discovered my wife’s emotional affair. I didn’t handle it well. Yet, after subsequent emotional affairs I continued to accept her and take her back. Living in emotional hell with a woman that did not care for, respect or love me was less scary than living alone. I know how sick that sounds but that’s the nature of this disorder. Granted living with an extremely needy and controlling boy was not easy for her either. Nobody wins in this.
I am a smart and intelligent person. Yet rationalization has been ineffective at healing the emotional wounded inner child. The one that is deathly afraid of abandonment. I’m almost 30 years old, a man and an adult by all accounts. Yet, I’ve lived and acted like a child in my relationships. I felt like I was in such control. I thought that’s what’s was required to be happy in a relationship, I tried changing the other person when it was me who I should have been changing.
I was looking for the causes of my emotional problems with a magnifying glass when all I need is a mirror. This blog is my mirror.
This makes me so sad and cry
Holy crap. Are you me? You could have written this for my recovery process and it would have been accurate. Guess I need to take the afternoon and read through the rest of your blog. I see this was written 4 years ago. I’m hopeful you’ve reached a place of peace in your life.