Some food for thought of Toxic Love in contrast to True Love. The love I was giving was toxic. On my path of recovery I own my Toxic Love. I need to do an honest moral inventory of myself. I need to nurture my inner child so that the love I give is True.
I rather suffer withdrawal from my addiction than subject the one I want to more of my Toxic Love.
| Healthy Love | Unhealthy or Toxic Love |
| Development of self first. | Obsession with relationship. |
| Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. | Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) |
| Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. | Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests. |
| Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth. | Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing. |
| Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) | Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.” |
| Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. | Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. |
| Embracing of each other’s individuality. | Trying to change other to own image. |
| Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. | Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. |
| Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood. | Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. |
| Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) | Fusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings.) |
| Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. | Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. |
| Ability to enjoy being alone. | Unable to endure separation; clinging. |
| Cycle of comfort and contentment. | Cycle of pain and despair. |
Source: http://www.crescentlife.com/psychissues/healthy_vs_toxic_love.htm
The list above is from Joy2MeU.com. The original article on Toxic Love is available and well worth the read. Here are some excerpts from the article:
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Unfortunately the type of love most of us learned about as children is in fact an addiction, a form of toxic love.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment – it is a lesson.
As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply – using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love – nor is it Loving.
wow… so true! Love reading it
I had four failed marriages. I am 49 years old and I feel I will never find true love. My exhusband asked me for a divorce 14 months ago but he continued to see me once in a while to have sex, go out to dinner, or watch tv. I took it as a hope for love, that maybe we had a chance for reconciliation but he has made it very clear that he is not in love with me. He lived with a 26 year old girl for a year (he is 46) but she ended the relationship. She never knew he was still having sex with me once in a while. Now he is dating other women. He offered to continue to see me once in a while but I finally put an end to this toxic relationship that I know is not love. It was making me feel worthless.
Now, it has been a week since I last saw him and I feel so lonely that sometimes I want to call him a beg him for the little attention he throughs my way because that is better than this horrible loneliness, emptiness that fills my home and my soul. Sometimes i think about killing myself but I have 3 grown children and 2 beautiful grand-daughters that would be very hurt. I go on this empty, senseless life of mine for them.
I want a miracle. I want to learn to love myself and then find a man who would love me just the way I am. Is there any hope?
[...] Source: http://myrecovery.wordpress.com/2007/08/04/toxic-love/ [...]