I’ve largely ignored this blog. I started it last year when I was going through separation with my wife. It was difficult being rejected like that. There were weeks where I felt like a zombie, where all mt senses were fogged over, distant and disconnected.
There were times when I caught myself just stopping and thinking, saddened and afraid. It took me a while for the pain and suffering to ebb away. To go at least a day without feeling sad and alone. Now, at the other side I can confidently say I am doing much better.
I look back at the journey that got me here. I wished for things to be different. I wish things would have turned out according to my expectations. I’m not so mad anymore, sometimes you just have to quit. Let go of expectations that leave you unhappy, that leave you unfulfilled. Get rid of the expectation that you won’t find happiness or that you’ll be lonely forever.
I am my greatest ally and my greatest foe. I have grown more in the last 6 months than I have in the past 5 years. I have had my comforts pulled from me, my dreams destroyed. I went through loss, through remorse, through heart break and crippling emotional suffering. I now believe in a Higher power. I have placed myself in the hands of that Higher power.
I have given up many childish thoughts. I no longer believe there are criteria for happiness. I do not fear being unhappy. I do not fear being lonely. I do not fear suffering or sadness. I have learned that you can either worry about being unhappy or go about being happy. Doing more to cultivate happiness is a dead end. Happiness can not be cultivated. There is an infinite amount already inside you.
Work on reducing and minimizing the things that make you unhappy. There is no right way or wrong way to live. Do not be a victim to your own self pity or self loathing. The truth is that we always have choice. Maybe not to our situation but always to our reaction. Cultivate maturity, strength and kindness to make good choices. The strong are always kind.
While you still have a breath in your body you have opportunity to choose. Just go, try out something new. Your worst enemy is yourself. Your greatest ally is yourself. I am happy to report that I’m ok.
Just remember, worrying about unhappiness is a luxury of the privileged.
your story- the breakdown and then eventually the breakthrough, the finally being-okay-part, is really inspiring and helpful to me. i am in the breakdown part, but reading your story, knowing that there is another side, helps me. thank you. if you are able to, i would love to exchange emails with you as i am seeking my own support, or perhaps you know of a support group or website for these things? congratulations on getting through the addiction, withdrawl, and all the pain and anger. be proud of yourself!
Hi Struggling,
Life definitely gets better. At the time I didn’t think that I would ever feel right again. However, this summer was the best I had in years. I’m seeing new person, I reconnected with old friends, made new friends and in a better place.
The old memories and scars are still there and I still think about my ex from time to time. Those deep emotional wounds take a long time to heal. I wish there was a magic medicine that cures the pain but unfortunately time and the support of family and friends is what worked for me.
For what it is worth, now, more than a year later the pain is a faint memory. The emotions have faded from everyday life. Yes, I am changed, but changed for the better. The things I took for granted, the paradigms I had were all shattered. When that happens, when your world falls apart, there comes a new spring, a new clarity of the transient nature of all things.
As for a support group, I did call a codependency support group but never had the courage to attend. I actually found something that worked better for me. I joined Crossfit. Worked my ass off, got lost in the workouts. It was amazing how beneficial it was both physically and mentally.
Emotionally, you are your own strongest support. I don’t know what will work for you, but stepping outside of myself, and looking at that dark shadow from above was enlightening. I still believe that having time to worry and loath about my unhappiness is a privilege. A privilege that I have from not have to worry about finding food for dinner or how to pay the rent.
Glad that your life is getting better and you are at peace with yourself. I’m happy for you.
Reading your post really feels like what is happening to my marriage right now. The only difference is I’m on the other side of the fence. Your description of a love addict or codependency person really match my life partner’s behavior which I’m trying to find an answer to… why is she behaving in such a manner, the overly imposing attitude, the insecurity of one’s ability, the resentment towards me for not standing up for her over things I find very petty in life, the perfectionist expectation, the lack of confidence with herself, the constant need for approval/attention, the constant criticism, etc.
I have always questioned whether is it me whom are having a problem in handling the relationship or where did I go wrong. But after finding out about codependency, it finally hits me that maybe my lovely wife is actually having an issue and it is definitely some kind of mental sickness. She has witnessed how her family breaks apart due to her father’s affair and she was sent overseas to study when she was very young… a form of abandonment at her young age.
After reading your life story, it has similar patterns that matches my wife. I’m trying hard to save this relationship but finds it difficult to help her out of her childish behaviour or make her realise that she has a problem and I’m willing to help. She has all the attributes as describe in the table Toxic Love.
How can I help her to come out of this codependency toxic love?